


my loneliness is killing me (and i)

by QueenIsabelle



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: F/M, I know the marriage one, Modern AU, Zutara, Zutara steam baby, baby au, but i wanted to switch it up, eventually, has this been done before?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:53:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24904138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenIsabelle/pseuds/QueenIsabelle
Summary: When they were eighteen, Katara and Zuko made a deal.Ten years later, that deal comes to fruition.(Or, the Zutara slow-burn pregnancy AU that literally no one asked for.)
Relationships: Katara & Zuko (Avatar), Katara/Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 22
Kudos: 158





	1. before

Looking back on it, it really was a stupid deal to make. Katara had been upset about her breakup with Aang, despite knowing that it was for the best. Ultimately, they had different directions in life. In the end, it was better for everyone that they return to being friends. But that didn’t mean that it didn’t sting.

So she grabbed a bottle of her dad’s whiskey, snuck up onto the roof of her house, and called the one person that she could always talk to who would never judge her. Katara was well past tipsy by the time Zuko arrived, pulling himself onto the slant of the roof beside her.

“Kat?” he asked, eyeing her worriedly. She lifted the bottle towards him.

“We’re getting drunk,” she said. An hour later, the two were lying on their backs beside each other, looking up at the stars and making up constellations. Zuko, ever the responsible one, had taken the bottle away from Katara shortly after he arrived, but he had done his best to catch up with her.

“That one,” Katara said, pointing in the general direction she was referring to, “looks like Appa.” Appa was Aang’s giant Newfoundland, a huge ball of white and brown fluff that loved his owner fiercely. Katara let out a hiccuping laugh. Zuko looked over at her, struggling to keep his bad eye open.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked.

Katara groaned. “I don’t know.” Her hands came up to cover her face.

“You guys are still friends, right?” Zuko asked.

“Yes, we are. It’s not like… I just don’t know how to describe it.” Katara sat up straight and sighed. “I love him, but like a friend, you know. The way I love you or Toph or Suki. I don’t think I was ever in love with Aang, but…”

“But?” Zuko prompted.

“But I had kind of accepted it, I guess. He had all of these plans for us: travelling the world, getting married, settling down, having kids. And those are all things that I wanted to do, that I want to do. But I wanted more, too, you know that.”

Zuko did know that. Katara had talked about being a doctor since the day he had met her; he didn’t see her giving that up easily.

“And Aang got upset?”

“No, he understood. But that was when I realized that I had gotten complacent. I was with Aang because it was easy, not necessarily because I wanted to be.”

“That makes sense,” Zuko said, nodding. “But there’s something else.” Katara shot him a baleful look.

“I hate that you know me so well.”

Zuko shrugged and sat up as well, placing his arm around her and pulling her into his side. She snuggled into his warmth, realizing how cold it had gotten since she had been on the roof.

“What if… what if no one wants me like Aang does?” she asked in a small voice.

“What?”

“It’s just, Aang has known me for such a long time. He’s seen me in my worst times and still wanted me. But what if no one else does? What if I’m too driven or too competitive or too smart or too bossy or too—”

“Kat!” Zuko grabbed her by the shoulders, shaking her lightly. “That’s insane.” Katara sighed.

“But it’s true. And honestly, it’s not just that.”

“Then what is it?”

“I want a family, Zuko,” Katara said, throwing her hands up. “I want to be a mom, but I want to be a doctor first.”

“And you can be.”

“But what if no one wants to wait that long?”

“Then they’re stupid. And someone else will come along who will. Katara, you are an amazing person who is going to do amazing things. Anyone would be lucky to be with you or to raise a family with you,” Zuko said. Katara bit her lip, thinking over his words.

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

“Do you want kids?”

Zuko hesitated. “It’s… difficult. You know that.”

“Because you don’t want to end up like your parents?” Katara’s question sounded more like a statement. Zuko sighed and flopped back onto the roof.

“Kind of? Obviously, I don’t want to put any potential children I have in a situation like I was in, but there’s no guarantee that that will never happen. My parents were in love, then they weren’t. How do you keep that from happening?”

“Zuko, I don’t think you would ever put your child through what your dad did to you,” Katara said solemnly. Unconsciously, Zuko placed his hand against his scarred cheek. He turned away from her.

“Yeah, well, no sense in taking chances.” Zuko laid on his side, looking over the moonlit yard. Katara draped herself over him and poked his cheek.

“That’s bullshit,” she said. “I know that you would never do anything like that. You’re a good person, Zuko.”

He sighed. “Thanks, Kat.”

It was silent, then, between the two teens. In a week, they would graduate from high school and become unofficial-official adults. It was a scary thought.

“What if we had a kid?” Katara asked suddenly. If Zuko had been drinking, he would have done a spit-take. Instead, he jumped about a foot in the air and spun around to face her.

“ _What?_ ”

“Not right now,” Katara said, rolling her eyes. “We’re only eighteen, and we’re going to different colleges. That would be irresponsible.”

“Would it really?” Zuko asked sarcastically. Katara ignored him, too caught up in her own thoughts.

“I mean, like, in ten years. When we both have steady jobs and a set path in life. And obviously, we would both have to be single. But, you know, if we are and we do, what if we did?” Katara turned to Zuko, raising her eyebrows.

“You can’t be serious,” Zuko said.

“Why not? There’s no one I trust more than you. You’re my best friend.”

“Which is why it’s a bad idea.”

“Is it? Think about it, Zuko. There would be no romantic feelings, no high stakes, nothing that could go wrong.”

“So many things could go wrong,” Zuko said. Katara frowned.

“Are you planning on not being my friend?” she demanded. Zuko groaned.

“Of course not, but—”

“Nothing in life is guaranteed, I know,” Katara said, giving him a look. “But we wouldn’t be like a normal relationship. What could be better for a child than to have two parents who are best friends, who get along, who would always put them first?”

“I think it’s a little more complicated than that,” Zuko said.

“But it’s us, Zuko,” Katara argued. “We’re never complicated. It’s always you and me. Nothing ever gets in the way of that.” She made a good point. Zuko sighed, running a hand through his hair. He looked at her warily.

“Ten years?” he asked.

“Ten years,” she agreed.

“Steady jobs?”

“Steady jobs.”

“No partners?”

“No partners.”

“Those are the rules?”

“Unless you can think of anything else,” Katara said, smiling. Zuko shook his head faintly, uncertain if he was really about to go through with this. Katara stuck her hand out. “Deal?”

Zuko placed his hand in hers. “Deal.”

* * *

Katara was the one who brought it up, after they had snuck away from her twenty-eighth birthday party.

“Do you remember the night that Aang and I broke up?” she asked Zuko, turning her head to look at him. Zuko smirked.

“Weren’t we sitting right here, doing the exact same thing?” He motioned to the whiskey bottle between the two of them where they were laying down on the roof over her childhood bedroom. Katara laughed.

“Well, some things never change,” she said.

“Except for the fact that our drinking is now legal,” Zuko pointed out.

“True, true,” Katara agreed, smiling. She looked down at her hands, folded on top of our stomach. “But do you remember what we talked about?”

“I remember how upset you were about breaking things off with Aang.”

“I wasn’t that upset.”

“You were having a major breakdown.”

“That is such a lie. You are such a drama queen,” Katara said, hitting his shoulder. Zuko simply shrugged, smirking, and took a sip of whiskey. Katara settled down again, mind churning.

“Do you remember that… that dumb deal we made?” she asked, lacing and unlacing her fingers.

Zuko was silent for a moment. “Yes.”

Katara let out a breath. “We were really stupid.”

“Yeah.” A beat. “Why do you ask?”

Katara let out an awkward chuckle and shook her head. “I don’t know. Just… laying here reminded me.”

“Yeah, I guess it has been ten years, hasn’t it?” Zuko asked.

Katara nodded. “We’re old.” They both laughed loudly at that, Zuko turning his head away so his scar was covered while Katara clutched at her stomach. Finally, their laughter died down.

“Not that old,” Zuko said eventually. “We’re not even thirty.”

“No, not that old. Still in our prime,” Katara agreed. The next bout of silence lasted longer, the two of them watching the sky grow darker as the night passed on. It was cloudy; the stars weren’t as bright. Down below them were the sounds of the party slowly coming to a close. Katara imagined their friends, enjoying the party. Toph was probably challenging stragglers to games of darts while Aang attempted to dissuade her lest she put any more holes in the wall. Sokka and Suki were probably engaged in a disgusting bit of PDA, their newly-wedded bliss still hanging over them despite being married for nearly a year.

Katara’s stomach lurched at the thought. She was completely happy for her brother and her friend, but there was a large part of her that… yearned. Badly. Yearned for that feeling of comfort, of family. Of her own family, one that she had made rather than one she had been born into.

“Zuko…” Katara said slowly. She took a deep breath and looked over at her friend. He stared back at her, eyes earnest. “What if we… what if we went through with it?”

“With what?”

“With the deal,” she said slowly. Zuko seemingly choked on air, sitting up straight. She gave him a minute, patting him on the back in an attempt to help.

“You want… to have a kid?” Zuko asked, sucking in a breath. “With me?”

Katara turned the thought over in her head. It sounded better when he said it, she decided.

“Yes.”

“But… why?”

“Why? Zuko.” Katara turned to face him, crossing her legs and grabbing his hands so he had to look at her. “You’re my best friend. And I think you’d be a great dad. I want a baby, and I want to have a baby with someone that I love and trust.”

Zuko continued to stare at her. Katara was beginning to feel self-conscious. “And we don’t have to do it the, er, traditional way. We can do artificial insemination. I’ve looked into it, and it’s obviously more expensive—”

“Kat,” Zuko blessedly cut her off. She was rambling, and they both knew it. “Are you sure? About this?”

Katara’s breath caught in her throat. “You’re not shooting me down?”

“Uh, no?”

“Really?”

“I mean, we did make a deal all those years ago,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. “And we both have steady jobs.”

“We do,” Katara said, nodding along. She was finishing up her second year of residency, while Zuko was a successful lawyer at his law firm. “And no partners.”

Zuko fought a smirk. Katara hadn’t dated anyone seriously since Aang, and Zuko had broken up with his girlfriend of two years, Mai, almost three years ago. Neither of them were remotely tied down.

“You want to?” Katara asked, suddenly hesitant. What if he was stringing her along, pretending to agree with her only to humiliate her in front of their friends? Katara quickly shook the thought from her head. This was Zuko, whose hands were shaking in front of her, whose breath was coming quickly—was he having a panic attack? “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Zuko said unconvincingly. “This is just kind of surreal.”

Katara scooted closer to him, nestling into his side and laying her head in the crook between his neck and shoulder. “Deciding to be parents is a big thing.”

“Is that really what you want? To co-parent with me? Wouldn’t you rather wait for some big romantic adventure? Some guy to sweep you off your feet and love you like you deserve?”

“I don’t need some guy. I have enough love,” Katara said. “And with us as parents, so will our baby.” Zuko’s arm tightened around her. She shivered at the warmth of his hand bleeding through her thin shirt. He buried his face in her hair.

“Okay,” he whispered. “Yes.” A thrill ran through her. Slowly, she untangled herself from him and cupped his face in her hands. Without breaking eye contact, she lowered his face to hers and pressed their lips together.

It was a strange feeling, kissing one’s best friend. Katara didn’t quite understand the sparks she felt from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. She didn’t quite understand what possessed her to trail one hand down his chest while the other gripped the back of his neck, pulling him closer to her. She didn’t quite understand the swoop of her stomach when his own hands cradled her, pressing her body into his. She just knew that she wanted this, so she kissed him harder and pulled him with her.


	2. month one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! Sorry it's taken so long! This chapter is a little shorter than usual, but the other ones will be longer. Enjoy!

Katara was confident that this time— _this time_ —it had stuck. She had thrown up three times in the past week; her boobs hurt like hell; she was bloated; and she was late. It was the perfect storm, and Katara was waiting for the first strike of lightning to hit.

“Is that all for you today?” the boy at the register asked her. Katara looked to the five pregnancy tests she had set on the counter. She added a bag of peanut M&Ms.

“Yes,” she said.

The teenager rang up her items and put them in a plastic bag. Katara thanked him before hurrying out of the store. She debated texting Zuko as she got in her car to let him know her hunch, but ultimately, she decided against it. This was the fourth month in a row that they had been trying, and she didn’t want to get his hopes up.

He had surprised her once this process had begun. Originally, he had seemed hesitant to embark on this journey with her, and she understood why. He hadn’t had the best childhood and worried that the traits of his father would live on through him, but Katara knew her best friend. He was kind and strong and intelligent; he would be an excellent father, Katara was sure of it. She wouldn’t have asked him if she’d thought otherwise.

Eagerly, she drove to her tiny apartment a few blocks away from the hospital she was doing her residency at. It was old—the hot water didn’t last long, and the laundry was all the way in the basement, which was a bitch when the elevator wasn’t working—but it was in her price range, and Katara didn’t need much when it came to a living space. She’d done enough of the domestic life in her childhood; she didn’t need a huge space to clean every weekend.

That would change, though, once she was pregnant. She would obviously get a two-bedroom apartment, probably one that was closer to Zuko’s so they could switch back and forth easier. They might even consider moving in together for the first year, so that neither missed any milestones and so that he could help with the late night feedings and changings. That seemed like something he would insist on, and Katara couldn’t find it in herself to deny that it wouldn’t be nice.

But she was getting ahead of herself. First, she needed to find out if she was pregnant.

Katara hurried into her apartment complex and headed for the elevator. Thankfully, it was working, so she pressed the button and stepped inside. It was a short ride to the fifth floor, where the elevator stopped a little above the landing. Katara hopped out and headed for her apartment, keys in hand. She unlocked the door and walked through, shutting it behind her. Immediately, she headed for the bathroom. She had been holding her bladder for the past few hours to make sure that she could properly take the tests. As she sat down on the toilet, she realized how uncomfortable that she had actually become.

Quickly, she opened the first test and peed on the stick. She repeated the process for the four other boxes and placed them in a tidy line on the floor in front of her. She finished her business and washed her hands, counting down the seconds for the tests to be done.

Two minutes. She could handle two minutes.

Katara sat down on the floor in front of the sink and closed her eyes. She thought about the past four months with Zuko—the movie nights and lunch dates and sex. There was so much sex. It was surprisingly good, not that she didn’t think it would be. It had been a long standing notion in high school that Zuko was a sex god. Of course, his friends knew differently—that he was shy; that he was awkward; that, on his first date, he accidentally spilled soup on the poor girl. But Zuko was good-looking, and Katara had never tried to deny that. She just hadn’t expected him to be that _good_.

Katara had worried that sleeping together would be uncomfortable. That they would be so used to each other in a friend sense, that attempting that type of intimacy would ruin something. Instead, it was the opposite. They worked together in a way that Katara had never experienced before. The last time they had slept together, five weeks ago—they obviously kept a schedule; they weren’t dating after all—he had made her come three times. That might have been part of why Katara was so convinced she was pregnant. She had read somewhere that female orgasms helped women get pregnant.

Her phone rang, breaking her out of her thoughts. Had she set a timer? She hadn’t thought so. She picked up her phone to see that Zuko was calling her, almost as if he had heard her thinking about him. She blushed a little and answered.

“Hey, what’s up?” she asked.

“Nothing, just wanted to see how you were doing. You mentioned that you weren’t feeling well a few days ago?” Zuko said. Katara took a deep breath and let it out.

“Yeah, just feeling a little nauseous,” she said.

“Oh,” he said. “Oh no, are you okay?”

Was he really that oblivious?

“Zuko.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m feeling nauseous.”

“Yeah?”

“I’ve thrown up three times this week.”

“Gross. Do you want me to bring you some Sprite?”

Tui and La. “Zuko…” Katara looked down at the tests. Her eyes widened. She picked up the first test, then the second one, then the third, the fourth, and fifth. They all said the same thing. “Oh my God.”

“What? Kat?” Zuko’s voice sounded far away. Katara laughed and dropped the test, covering her mouth with her hand. Her eyes filled with tears. “Kat?”

“I’m pregnant,” she said.

There was silence, then: “Yes! Agni, yes!”

Katara laughed again as Zuko whooped over the phone.

“Are you home?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said.

“Don’t move. I’ll be right there.” There was movement in the background, the rustling of paper and a couple of thumps.

“Don’t you have work?”

“I can leave a little early.”

“Zuko.” Katara couldn’t stop laughing or the stream of tears down her cheeks.

“I’m leaving right now.” A door slammed shut. “Agni, I can’t believe this. You’re pregnant!”

“Yeah.” Katara looked back down at the tests, all five of them blaring the same message: _Pregnant._ “I am.”


End file.
